And, no, that is not a drug related burn out. That's me, the student, having the symbolic light bulb turn black after a brief flare of light/intelligence. I hit some sort of mental wall, that if I were to scapegoat it I would say it is due to anxiety, where I have a problem producing much of anything. This blog stands as an example, I mean, look at the gap between now and when I last posted. Yeah. It may be a last semester, frustration related burn out. I feel lazy and impaired; the situation is half my fault and partially caused by some crippling factor I don't understand. And yes, this is a bit over-dramatic. But I do feel this vacancy where a drive once existed. I still produce work, granted, but I don't feel pride in it in the same way that I used to, and I feel like an undeserving hack. My accomplishments are fraudulent covers for all I didn't do. And I know not everyone thinks this of me, and I am my own worst critic, but I'm done. I half-quit. I'm not defeated, but I'm also not succeeding. Self-deprecating comments, wah-wah-wah, so on and so forth. And while I loath the complaining, it makes me feel just that much better. That whole venting thing. But, in truth, I do feel like I'm letting shit slide that I can't afford to let go, and I'm looking for some magical motivator, that only I am likely to have the key to, which could make me kick my ass into high gear, suck it up, and get it all done. Maybe now I wish I did go through a phase where I wrote all of my term papers in a five hour span related to copious amounts of adderall in my system, but that is not the case, and it's not going to be, so...
(myspace-esc serious and not looking at the camera self-taken picture added for additional drama and possibly more interest generated in what I write based on my youthful looks)
No comments:
Post a Comment